cassielynnmay.com: September 2009

So it's been about a month, and I'm back to write about my final days in NYC.

Before I left, I was probably the most calm out of the three of us in my apartment. I don't know why, but I think I had found comfort in knowing that I had some of the most amazing people back at home to look forward to. Anyways, because I was so calm prior to packing up, I was completely shocked at the emotion I got while driving away.

I didn't cry until I was making my final walk towards the plane. And as I boarded, I tried to half-way smile at the cheerful attendants... although I'm pretty sure "I really don't want to be doing this" was written all over my face.

Anyways, after that awkward moment, I found my seat, sat down, and began to write. About what? Um... raw emotion. And although it's a bit more candid than I like to go for, and at times doesn't make much sense at all, I'm going to give it to you straight.

Here are my final moments in NYC--pictures, raw emotion and all:
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Saturday, AUGUST 8

7:05 AM, LGA Airport

I’ve never felt like I was leaving something behind so much in my life. I’m leaving it behind, and I can feel it. And this is coming from a girl who absolutely loves the life that she’s returning to. I guess it’s just one of those things… knowing you just belong somewhere.

I’m sitting on the plane, not able to breathe. My eyes are watering, Jason Mraz singing me into memories of my summer under the lights. I miss it already, and I’m still on the ground.

I said I wasn’t going to be sad…I tried being happy with knowing that I at least had this experience at all. I can say now, that that mindset is all that is saving me. And I can appreciate that… I have been blessed.

We’re about to take off. I’m leaving. My stomach hurts. I don’t want this. I want to stay. I want my life there. I’ll miss the people—the strangers. I’ll miss the dirty subways and stuffy elevators. I’ll miss knowing I won’t know anybody at the bar but the girls I went with. I’ll miss crazy taxi drivers, ice cream at Brother’s Candy, complaining about our ½ mile walk to the nearest L train. I’ll miss commuting to Jersey, work, feeling necessary, and calling my mom from across the country. I’ll miss not wanting to go to class, but knowing that it’ll probably entertain me enough to keep a smile on my face. I’ll miss Paige saying “Night Cass, love you,” every night, and I’ll miss Eliza yelling at her alarm every morning. I’ll even miss feeling dirty—because with the dirtiness came that amazing feeling of being clean after a shower. I’ll miss Hot N’ Crusty… even if the name still grosses me out. I’ll miss the liquor store on Ave B… they probably thought I was out of my mind. Or a good time. Let’s go with the latter. I’ll miss going to Off the Wagon with the girls, the bartender who would give us “the look” every time we walked in… you know, those eyes that accuse you of going there too often. He didn’t have to say a thing. Really, I’ll just miss it all. The good, the bad, the dirty, and all in between. Ciao for now. Be back soon.